Brokencyde- I'm Not a Fan But The Kids Like It! (2009)

Shit sandwich.

For those who have seen the movie Spinal Tap, you know this scene. The band is talking about their album reviews and for their release "Shark Sandwich" the reviewer just simply wrote "Shit sandwich."

Well, calling Brokencyde's 2009 CD "I'm Not A Fan But The Kids Like It!" simply a shit sandwich would be too much of a compliment. In fact, that would pretty much be praise for this screamo/hip hop/ electro group who dub their sound as "crunkcore". I have done many unpleasant things in my life. I've gotten into car accidents, had various illnesses, been kicked in the groin repeatedly by my brother, sat through the god-awful Dragon Ball Evolution movie, and done many other nasty things but they all pale in comparison to just how vomit inducing this album is.

In fact, I would rather do all of those things every day for a month than listen to this album ever again. Yes, it's THAT bad.

I "tried" to listen to this album with an open mind. I didn't buy it (I have better CD's to spend my money on) but I did give it a download and here is what I thought.

The song opens with a lame intro of an air raid siren going off and what sounds like laser guns firing off in the background. Ok, cool I guess. Then an explosion and the song "Freaxx" starts. Instantly once the faux hip hop club beat started, I felt nauseous and it was only a few seconds into the song. Not looking good already for this album. Then the vocals kick in. My god, what the fuck did I just get myself into? Auto tuned clean vocals with some douchebag doing horrid screamo backing vocals? But wait, it gets worse! This guy is singing about the "shorties" , getting "fucking freaky" and getting girls' panties off while that guy keeps doing that annoying screaming in the background. The screaming vocals and the lame, recycled dance club beat are about as appealing as getting circumsized by a lightsaber, with Jar Jar Binks commencing the circumcision. To my dismay, it looks like the rest of this album is only going to get worse....

The next song, "Skeet Skeet" comes up next. The same shit again, annoying screams mixed with the auto tune vocalist. But wait, they added something new! Shallow minded rapping! Yes, the guys rap about what they know best, getting drunk and having sex. I guess life is only about two things to Brokencyde: fucking and getting drunk.
That's also what this whole album is about. Seriously. I like sex and I like drinking as much as the next guy, but I don't like hearing about how great they are for the 62 minutes and 48 seconds of the album. Is that all you guys can sing/scream/rap about? Nothing else?

Next we get a skit. Ok this might be funny. I used to listen to some hip hop and occasionally they'd have little skits or interludes between songs. Hell, if Ludacris can do it, maybe Brokencyde can put a funny skit in here. Well, should I be surprised that they fucked that up too? What we get is a badly acted "phone call" of what I assume to be one of the band members calling some random Mexican guy and asking him if he wants to suck his "daddy dick". I'm totally serious right now. Then the guy calling realizes his error and calls a girl and asks her the same question to which she merrily accepts. Well...that was pointless and unfunny. I mean, it was a nice break from the music, I'll give it that, but still, it failed to provide laughs which is the point of skits! It was just stupid and not needed. Plain and simple.

The song "Booty Call" comes up next. Ugh, more lyrics about fucking set to the usual scream-sing about sex/drinking/dumb shit-formula. Fortunately, rapper E-40 is on this track, but he fails to save the song from being just....shit. Then again, I don't think Jesus Christ, God and Chuck Norris being guests on this song could save this album from having bad songs. The singer also tells the listener to get "nasty". Hm...

"Get Crunk" follows next. I don't know how one gets "crunk" but I assume Brokencyde will explain to me how to achieve this task. Well, all they tell the listener to do is "Get Crunk! Get Crunk! Act a fool up in the club gonna you goin get fucked up! Throw your fist up!" and to "Get loose get laid fuckin bitches' everyday bc13 and you know where here to stay." We are also told to not only get "crunk" but to get drunk and to get "buck", whatever that means. Did I mention the combination of the screaming and the lame, recycled Lil Jon beat is basically the audio equivilant of AIDS? Seriously, how can people enjoy this? A little interlude follows in this song that states "All you motha fuckin brizzles to get off the flizzle and to start fuckin dizzles fishizzle my nizzle got these fuckin brizzles all up in my mizzle like a fuckin grizzle". I have no clue what he said either. At this point, I began to seriously consider getting tested for AIDS the next time I visited the doctor.

After this song, we get the song "Yellow Bus". They should have called it "Short Bus" instead, a tribute to the vehicle that provides transport to Brokencyde fans, and probably also serves as the band's tour bus. One of the rappers claims to have fucked "Alisha, Theresa, Alyssa, Marissa, your teacher, your grandma, your auntie, your girlfriend, and probably your sister." Ok, an "I fucked your mom joke". I thought we outgrew those in junior high. Really guys?

The next few songs are when the tired formula of dumb sex songs really starts to take its course. It's no longer so bad it's almost humorous, it's actually boring at this point. "Get Up", "Poppin" and "40 Oz " just follow the same "sex/drinking/partying" song formula. "Jealously" seems to be directed towards "haters" of the band. So in other words, the general populace who has an IQ over 75. The beats are so bad for all of these songs, they're starting to give me the beginning stages of cancer I think. I'll have to get tested for that too when I visit the doctor. One song stands out due to its sheer stupidity and that song is "Sex Toyz" which proclaims,

"Damn right ho your so sleezy
You give me the heebie jeebies!
You make my pee-pee hard!"

That is the real chorus. Not even kidding. Now I know I read somewhere that the band claims to make songs just for fun, but this is outright retarded. No wait, calling it retarded would be too kind. This is the same kind of music you would get if you gave a lobotomized retard pen and paper and told him to write a song after playing a mainstream rap song for him.

"Schitzo" tries to make an attempt at what I think is differing from the sex/party atmosphere of the previous songs but fails just as miserably as the rest of the songs.

We then are treated to "Scene Girls", an ode to a large chunk of Brokencyde's fanbase. Basically, another dumb sex song. Things were just getting unbearable, and I was close to digging out the shotgun from the local gun store to become an hero like Kurt Cobain until...

I finally made it to the last song! If I ever met John McCain, he could tell me of his expieriences as a POW and I could tell him I listened to a whole Brokencyde album. I think the poor man would start to weep for me, for I went through a much more horrible torture than he did in the Hanoi Hilton.

The album closes with the song "I'm Sorry". To my misfortune, this is the longest track on the album, tracking in at almost 8 minutes long. I think this was supposed to be the "sad" song to close the album but it aroused no emotion from me. Well, other than hatred for the band. It's just boring. More screaming and weak rapping, all for almost eight minutes. Eight minutes of my life that I'll never get back. At the end we get audio clips of people saying how bad Brokencyde is. How appropriate. The last audio clip states the truth, saying, "Crunk and screamo? What the fuck are people thinking?!" At least the band acknowledges how terrible they are.

This was literally 17 tracks of pure Hell. In fact, it would not surprise me if Satan himself plays this CD to torture the poor souls in Hell. This album shows everything that is wrong with popular music; auto-tune, shallow/stupid/repetitive lyrics, and worst of all, the "scene kid" sub-culture. You know what's worse? Brokencyde isn't the only "crunkcore" group out there. Yes, there are more bands that have a similar style of music such as Breath Carolina, I Set My Friends On Fire, Dot Dot Curve and sadly more. Perhaps Brokencyde are only making this horrible excuse of music to see just how far they can push the boundaries of bad music, like the infamous grindcore group Anal Cunt. However, where Anal Cunt is actually humorous in their songs, Brokencyde is just...retarded for lack of a better word. Brokencyde are so terrible, that their level of pure shitty-ness is in a class of its own. In fact, I think their name should be used as an adjective to describe how bad something can be. It can be either bad, terrible, atrocious or Brokencyde. That sounds good to me, because this was the worst piece of "music" I've ever heard in my life. The fact that people actually like it sickens me too.

Brokencyde's lack of talent has been noticed by the music community too. The band has been being slammed by basically every prominent music magazine. The band Senses Fail slammed Brokencyde too, when both bands were on the same tour! Senses Fail frontman Buddy Neilsen would go out of his way to tell the crowd how bad Brokencyde is after the group would finish playing.

He said of the band:

"Yeah, I slam [Brokencyde] every night because in no way, shape or form do I back anything they do or say and I am embarrassed that kids these days are into it and am sad that kids these days are exposed to it. There is absolutely no substance whatsoever in their songs and no passion in anything they do. It is the musical equivalent of a snow cone, bland tasting frozen tap water loaded with sugar, yet colorful, that will give you a brain freeze, melt all over your hands leaving yourself dissatisfied and sticky."

Truer words were never spoken. The rest of Buddy's comments can be found here

In short, this was one of the worst albums I've ever heard (if not THE worst album ever). It's stupid, shallow, immature, repetitive, and I could just think of a million more negative adjectives to describe this. I think it gave me AIDS, cancer, diabeetus and probably other diseases I'm not aware of. Listening to this album was a most horrible experience. Don't download this, don't buy it or please DO NOT listen to it. Avoid it like it's the plague.

-Joe

Dry Kill Logic - The Dead And Dreaming (2004)

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The year was 2001. Nu-metal was the dominant form of rock music. Bands like Papa Roach, Slipknot, Linkin Park, Mudvayne, Limp Bizkit, Drowning Pool and many other bands reigned supreme. Their videos gained a substantial amount of airplay on MTV/MTV2 and many of these bands sold albums that went either gold or platinum.

From 2001 to 2003, major record labels attempted to cash in on this nu-metal craze by signing huge new crops of nu-metal bands and proceeded to not promote them at all. Some of these bands were good, some were decent and others brought nothing new to the nu-metal fandom. Albums from bands like Switched, No One, and others proved to bore most listeners to tears. However, some of these new bands showed some promise with strong albums and by bringing new elements to the table.

Dry Kill Logic was one of these commercially under-used bands that showed more creativity and way more aggression than its nu-metal brethren. The band signed to Roadrunner Records in 2001 and began recording their debut. Like many bands in this era, they were under promoted and ignored by the mainstream, perhaps due to their aggressive sound, which blended hardcore influences into the traditional nu-metal sound. The result was brilliant, it was ultra-aggressive music with a frontman who sounded like he was on the edge. If they had gotten the right promotion, the band would have easily been generating underground buzz like its Roadrunner label mates, Slipknot and gone on to do great things.

Their 2nd album, "The Dead and Dreaming" was released in fall 2004 and proved to be a HUGE step up from their first album, "The Darker Side of Nonsense" (which was definitely a great album by its own). This album shows much more growth from the band, advancing on their hardcore nu-metal style and experimenting with some lighter, acoustic songs. While many previous nu-metal bands went in a traditional rock direction after nu-metal fell out of the mainstream (like Papa Roach, Drowning Pool, Mudvayne and others), Dry Kill Logic went in the opposite direction; playing blistering heavy metal.

The album kicks off with the pummeling song "Lost". This is just the kind of song that will make you want to start a mosh pit in your living room. After hearing the first opening riff, you know Dry Kill Logic is back and more pissed off then ever. Hearing the vocalist Cliff Rigano scream "LOOOOOOOSSSTTTTT!!!!" in the first opening seconds could easily bring out the sub-conscious, evil aggression in a newborn kitten.

The next track Paper Tiger, shows Cliff trying his hand at clean vocals during the chorus, which he handles masterfully. In fact, during this song (and many others on the album), he pulls off what I like to call the "Jekyll and Hyde" vocals. Meaning he goes from screaming his lungs out like a lunatic during some points in the song and then goes back to clean singing at other parts. He demonstrates this way of singing in other songs like "Neither Here nor Missed" and "With Deepest Regrets..."

Songs like "200 Years", "Perfect Enemy", and "One Handed Knife Fight" display some rather thrashy riffs as well as breakdowns. These are awesome signs of growth from the band. "200 Years" even has a guitar solo in it.

The album closes with an acoustic song by the name of "No Reason", a strange juxtaposition to the heaviness of the rest of the album, but it's not a bad song at all. We get to hear more of Cliff's clean vocals at their best in this song.

In short, this is one of the more exciting and unique metal CD's to be released but unfortunately, it was just as ignored as their first album. Like Memento, this band has a little bit of something anyone can enjoy, in a metal sense for this review. Cliff's insane hardcore vocals (which sometimes border death grunts), energetic guitar work that always keeps the listener interested, and fantastic drum work from Phil Arcuri all make this an extremely enjoyable release. It's not perfect, but it gets the job done and then some. Go out and pick it up (as well as "The Darker Side of Nonsense") if you want a band that's filled to the brim with aggression.

-Joe

The Big Four of Metalcore

Also known as the "New Wave of American Heavy Metal" (NWAHM), metalcore is a genre that has sort of taken hold of a lot of modern metal acts, especially about 10 years ago. The bands in particular that I want to focus on are who I call the new "Big Four". They're also sometimes known as the Massachusetts metal scene. I'm sure you can probably guess the bands I'm talking about now, but if you can't, I'm referring to Shadows Fall, All That Remains, Unearth, and Killswitch engage.

I don't exactly know what I plan to accomplish with this other than to draw attention to these bands (as if they need it). Maybe I'll just explain my history with these bands. I know these bands get a lot of flack for being mallcore, sellouts, emo, whatever, but honestly, if you think that, you're either a moron or a metal elitist (and likely a virgin), and you therefore don't matter.

The first band I really got into of the four was Unearth through their music video of The Great Dividers. Since then, they have remained my favorite of the four and I own all of their albums. Basically one of the greatest things to happen to metal in the last 10 years, easily. Ken Susi is the reason I play an Ibanez guitar. What else to say about them? They're super intense, aggressive metal. They define metal. They may not be YOUR definition of metal, but they encompass all that is metal.

After Unearth, I quickly found my way to Shadows Fall. They were the first of the big four whose album I owned. It was The War Within and I got it for Christmas. Since then, I've gotten all of their albums excluding their first one with Phil seeing as they rerecorded it with Brian Fair and called it something else. That works for me. They're always been a favorite of mine and, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the only one I've seen live. I missed out on Unearth just back in December with Hatebreed and Cannibal Corpse.

Killswitch Engage is an interesting one. For the longest time, the only song I knew was Rose of Sharyn, and I wasn't a big fan of it. It wasn't until years later that I heard My Curse. I learned the song and that was the end of it until I heard The Arms of Sorrow not long after. It was at this point when I realized that they really had something to them and maybe I should stop hating them for no reason. So I picked up their album, As Daylight Dies, and later, The End of Heartache. They pretty much jumped to the top of my most played for a couple months at this point. And their new album? Basically jizztastic. It's everything they were doing before, but on this album, they do it better. That's all there is to it. There's no filler (or the filler is really fucking good).

All That Remains is an easy one to explain. I honestly don't really like them. I don't hate them, but I just can't really get into them. Who knows why? Maybe I need to sit down and give them more of a chance, but as it stands, they just don't do much for me.

One band who I've yet to listen to is Overcast, which is a combination of the guys from Killswitch Engage and Shadows Fall and was an earlier project before the various members took off with their respective bands. Another couple bands are Seemless and Aftershock who similarly were composed of members of the big four, but were far less popular than Overcast (who recently got back together in 2008, I've heard). Hopefully I can listen to those other bands and I can write some reviews of their albums.

That's all for this. It wasn't a rant or a review or really even worthwhile, but here it is all the same.

-Tyler

From The Vault Review #1: Beginnings by Memento (2003)

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Let me start off by saying that I got this CD on a whim from Amazon.com, I didn't listen to any of the full songs or anything. I was bored one night and I was looking up random bands and I thought the cover, thought it was cool, and ordered the CD for just one cent.I decided to read reviews of this album before it shipped to my house. Basically the reviews described this band as solid alternative metal band so I decided to give Memento a chance.

Another excellent decision on my part, this CD is amazing. At first however, I wasn't too impressed. I listened to the first song, "Nothing Sacred" and wasn't really into it too much. I just thought, "Hm, this is just like the reviews said. Solid alternative metal." Once that song finished, I began listening to the next track, "Saviour". I really started to notice that Memento was more than just a typical alternative metal outfit. This song blew me away with Justin (lead singer) 's diverse vocals and Jason 'Space' Smith's amazing guitar work. The rhythm section fits in nicely too. After being impressed by that song, I started to listen to the third song on the album, the title track "Beginnings". This song basically an extremely powerful and emotional acoustic ballad. This song was definitely not what I was expecting from the band. Justin's vocals really shine here. This song is just moving, plain and simple.

The songs after that continue to get better yet remain diverse at the time. From the crunchy sounding 4th track, "Shell" to the heavy and rocking "Abyss". Both were solid tracks and just straight up rockers. Same goes for "Below". Then, Memento defied my expectations again. Just when I thought they couldn't sound any more different than other bands, we get the one-two punch songs of "Reflections" and "Blister". The band really experiments in this song, adding female guest vocals at the end as well as string sections. Like the title track, this song is powerful as well as emotional.

"Coming" and "Stare" follow next, and they both just punch you in the face with their heaviness. Once the opening riff kicks in for "Coming" I just want to start headbanging. "Stare" is another rocker, but it has a great, radio friendly chorus. In my opinion, it would have made a great single. The final song, "Figure 8" is a fantastic way to close the album.

Sadly, Memento split up in 2004 due to personal issues before they could ever record another full length album. Justin, Space and Leighton "Lats" Kearns (the bassist) did reform briefly as a band called Nine Times Bodyweight but this project didn't last either. Space is still active as a studio guitarist, he played guitar and e-bow on the track "Waste" on post-grunge/hard rock band Seether's 2007 album Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces while Lats resurfaced in the band Monster in the Machine. Justin is currently working as an actor in his native Australia.

Anyway back to the review, this album is diverse and has something for everyone. It has extremely enjoyable heavy songs, amazing emotional acoustic moments, and great/unique songwriting. Each member of the band is a pro at their respective instrument as well. Anyone can appreciate this album, from the casual rock fan, the open minded metal head or anyone who enjoys good music in general can find something to like in "Beginnings". Do yourself a favor and buy this as soon as possible!

-Joe

Taylor Swift at the Grammys

Alright, so this post may not be the best in quality. Honestly, I'm only writing this right now because I need a post up so I can properly modify the template for this blog. But, this is a recent event, so I think it's something worth mentioning.

First things first: Taylor Swift is a sopping bag of fail. She cannot sing and she sucks at guitar. She's a worse singer than me, and that's saying a lot. As for her guitar playing skills, knowing basic chords does not make you a songwriter. As with most modern country artists, you won't find too many chords in her songs that can't be found in a beginner's lesson book. Her only fans are 14 girls and boys. Because only girls that young would possibly consider what she does talent, and because only boys that young think she's hot and want to fuck her. Same reasons Miley Cyrus has fans, actually. And if you're thinking to yourself, "I'm older than 14 and I like Taylor Swift," then perhaps you should rethink the music you like. Because you're wrong.

As for her performance at the Grammys...wow. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out here.

She starts off the performance on her own with instrumentals. A good ear can tell she's sharp in this, but if you can't, wait for her backing singer to start singing (she puts her to shame, and she's a BACKING singer). You can clearly hear the pitch issues here.

Then...Stevie Nicks comes out. This is basically where Taylor decides it's okay to piss all over music. I heard that Stevie Nicks said she counted at least 32 wrong notes (not sure if it's true or not, but hey, Taylor Swift sucks, so let's assume it is). Personally, I think that's an understatement. There were times she got so sharp, I actually spasmed while trying to type. It basically had the same effect as if you kicked a dog right next to me.

I've heard people say, "she's young," or, "she's not perfect," or, "she was nervous." While all of those might be true (especially number 2), what is also true is that she is a PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN. That means she gets paid to perform. She doesn't get paid to be nervous, or to not be perfect. If she can't perform right, then why should she get paid to do it? The sad fact is that that excrement spewing bitch still gets paid to fuck up because her fans are too young and/or stupid to care about musical integrity. They like a pretty voice and superficial lyrics.

Also, before you start saying, "She has platinum albums and Grammys," as if that's any sort of counter-argument, think about what you're saying. You are telling me with that that you apparently judge the quality of music based on its REWARDS and NOT its MERITS. In other words, you think music is good because its popular, and not necessarily because its actually good. And if that's the case, your opinion is null and you have no credibility.

-Tyler